Misc. from Comedian Steven Wright

• All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

• Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

• Ballerinas are always standing on their toes. Why don't they just get taller ballerinas?

• Black holes are where God divided by zero.

• Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

• Did Washington just flash a quarter for his ID?

• Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

• How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

• I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

• I got a dog and named him `Stay'. Now, I go “Come here, Stay!” After awhile, the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all.

• I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'm going to use it.

• I got stopped by a cop the other day. He said, "Why'd you run that stop sign?" I said, "Because I don't believe everything I read."

• I have an answering machine in my car. It says "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.

• I have a map of the United States, life size. 1 mile equals 1 mile. It's a bitch to fold it.

• I have a microwave fireplace in my house. The other night I relaxed in front of the fire for the evening in ten minutes.

• I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.

• I like this new idea of voodoo acupuncture. You don't have to go anywhere, you just walk down the street, and all of a sudden, "Ah!"

• I live on a one-way dead-end street.

• Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers.

• I make my own water - two glasses of H, one glass of O.

• I'm a peripheral visionary.

• I'm taking Lamaze classes. I'm not having a baby, I'm just having trouble breathing.

• In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out."

• I planted some bird seed. A bird grew. Now I don't know what to feed it.

• I played a blank tape on full volume. The mime who lived next door complained. So I shot him with a gun with a silencer.

• I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

• I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing "Happy Birthday".

• I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

• I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

• I was driving around recently and saw a sign that said "Rest stop: 25 miles". I thought, "Wow, that's pretty big. Those people must be tired."

• I was hitchhiking the other day, and a hearse stopped. I said, "No thanks -- I'm not going that far."

• I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

• I went for a walk last night, and she asked me "How long are you going to be gone?" I said, "The whole time."

• I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

• I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

• I woke up this morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called information. She said they were behind the couch. She was right.

• I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.

• I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

• It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

• Last year for Christmas, I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier. I thought I'd put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

• My buddy got busted for counterfeiting. He was making pennies. They caught him because he was putting the heads and tails on the wrong sides. He's in a minimum security prison now; he's on a whiffle-ball and chain.

• My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, "If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?" I said, "No." She said, "Okay, forget it."

• My school colors were clear.

• One night when I was a fetus, I sneaked-out.

• Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

• Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

• The other day I saw a rabbit in the forest in front of a candle making pictures of humans on a tree.

• The other day, I went to a tourist information booth and asked "Tell me about some of the people who were here last year."

• There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

• There's an exception to every rule, except this one

• The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.

• What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

• Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

• When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.

• When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He said, "I want my daughter back by 9:15." I said, "The middle of September? Cool!"

• Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

• Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.

• You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.