Quotes & Wisdoms...

A day without sunshine is like night.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the heck happened?"

Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car."

Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two" and "Keep away from children."

Some people are like Slinkies. They are nor really good for anything, but they bring a smile to your face when you push then down a flight of stairs.

Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." --Drew Carey

"The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house." --Jeff Foxworthy

"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base." --Dave Barry

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp. --Bob Ettinger

"My Mom said she learned how to swim when her parents took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'" --Paula Poundstone

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh." --Conan O'Brien

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner." --Lynda Montgomery

"I think I know how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'" --Richard Jeni

"If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."--Johnny Carson

"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." --Paul Rodriguez

"My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law." --Jerry Seinfeld

"Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?" --Warren Hutcherson

"Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same." --Oscar Wilde

"Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself." --Mark Twain

"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student! At least they can find Afghanistan." --A. Whitney Brown

"You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God,you're right! I never would've thought of that!'" --Dave Barry

"Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer." -- W. C. Fields