Sayings, Bumper Stickers, Philosophies, and
Ponderables to Get You Through the Day ...
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station...
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
A little song, a little dance, a little seltzer, in your pants!
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand
Always remember to pillage before you burn
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder
Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.
Black holes are where God divided by zero
Boycott shampoo! Demand the real poo!
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire
Deja Moo: the feeling that you’ve heard this bull before
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery
Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film
Exercise daily. Eat wisely. Die anyway.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
For people who like peace and quiet: a phone-less cord.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain
Hermits have no peer pressure.
He who hesitates is probably right.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met
I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
I can see clearly now, the brain is gone.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder
I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
I don't have a solution, but I admire your problem.
I don’t need your attitude - I have my own.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you
If everything seems to be going well, then you have obviously overlooked something
If I want your opinion I’ll ask you to fill out the necessary forms
If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they
If things get any worse, I’ll have to ask you to stop helping me
If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!
I have no common sense and use it to the best of my ability
I have the body of a man half my age. Unfortunately he is in terrible shape
Ignorance is temporary, stupid is forever.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good
I’m in shape... round is a shape isn’t it?
I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week
I’m not doing a damn thing and I’m not starting until noon
I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out
It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats
I tried computer dating and decided I prefer women.
It’s not hard to meet expenses; they are everywhere
It’s not if you win or lose, but how you place the blame.
I used up all my sick days so I am calling in dead.
I would rather be an optimist and a fool than a pessimist and right
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor
Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job
Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
My reality check just bounced.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Nothing in the universe travels faster than a bad check
Of all the people I know, you’re one of them.
Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Psychiatrists say that one in four people are mentally ill. Check your friends. If they are okay, you’re it!
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have
Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
Thank God I’m an atheist.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think
The chance of forgetting something is proportional to ..uh...uh
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it
The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limitations
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
There are three kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.
There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
The trouble with doing nothing all day is not knowing when you are done
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it is
The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity
To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.
To steal ideas from 1 person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can’t find them
War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded
Wisdom is considering the consequences.
You don’t need to be a cannibal to be fed up with people
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
2 wrongs don’t make a right, but 3 rights equal a left
24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ....coincidence?